The pain of having to write something meaningful
As I’m sitting at my computer waiting for and inspiration to write. I feel both tongue-tied and bursting at my seams and as frazzled as if I had been drinking my one-and-only cup of coffee a day over and over again. Creative spurts spout up into my consciousness and don’t lead anywhere. I feel I have so much to say and yet when I try to start speaking, nothing comes out.
I feel nervous about failing in my own eyes, failing for myself by myself!
There is a hollow buzzing feeling in the pit of my stomach. My ears ache. What do I not want to hear?
Is this what writer's block feels like?
Tongue-tied and pressured to express myself all at once.
I sit here. I feel this paradox. The more room I give this experience the more I notice that there is a lot of light in my brain – in my entire body really.
Let me explore this feeling, this light more deeply. It takes a bit of courage to not try and fix it but just to feel it instead. Here we go.
A feeling of tumbling into darkness. Strangely, inside this darkness there is light too, not a bright light, a more subtle, almost orange light. Noticing this makes me feel calmer but there are still no answers to my dilemma. Do I really need to write and be creative to be me? Why do I demand this of myself? It feels like an outside force is demanding it of me. Who is demanding, ego or spirit?
Maybe both. Maybe this is the stalemate. Maybe my being is trying to take the ego out of the mix and is not really succeeding. Orange light, orange darkness, which is it?
What is the conclusion to this dilemma?
There is no conclusion. It is difficult to remember that this moment is not lost just because it is stuck. It is simply stuck and stuck is beautiful. It is a rich, a vibrant experience. I feel like a racehorse waiting in the box eager to start the race.
What is my race? Where am I going? In this now that is not important to know. In fact it is impossible to know.
I am alive. I am here. Orange light is fine. Stuck is beautiful because it is now. It is not less NOW because it is stuck than it would be if it a were free-flowing and creative now. It is as much NOW as any other now.
There is not resolution, but there is a subtle freedom in not having to manipulate what is. Stillness has room here.
Published by: lela iselin in Not So Typical Travel Blog